Every time I light a cigarette I think of a man I used to meet occasionally
a lover from my past who always lighted one cigarette after another

he was the biggest smoker I had ever met
the kinda guy I couldn't quite picture without one, it was as if he was born with a cigarette in his mouth

me on the other hand only smoked if I had a few drinks

everything about him was poetry, so seventies, rock and roll

I could barely understand what he said cause he was either high or drunk or both most of the time but a part of me was smitten and fascinated by this old soul I knew was hidden below  

Tired, pretty, wild, edgy

Effortless
Insane cheekbones, a goofy smile and homemade tattoos all over his body

I felt desired
inspired
like myself
safe
free
easy
it was so easy
maybe cause I knew I wouldn't fall in love
I managed to enjoy my own company while sleeping with someone

like I was in charge, in control

an unusual feeling to me

and then I awfully assumed that he felt the same way

we smoked before bed, after we made love and the first thing in the morning
at his place there was no everyday life, no concerns, no time, no nothing

I still recall the clear, crispy, cold air mixed with his cigarette breath, our tipsy, giggling faces all over the streets in vintage coats cuddling our way to a warmer place to stay

early desember

It snowed constantly during this time
our causal yet passionate time together

The snow fell down on his window ceiling
his bed was in a small attic room so you could watch the sky while laying down

Snowflakes fell towards me

one by one

bigger and bigger

softly, slowly painting the city roofs bright as the moon, I got deeply hypnotized

it was truly beautiful

Sometimes he had to go to work early, but he said I could stay, watch the sky, so I did, many times

I layed naked in my his bed, smoked heavy cigarettes while gazing at the snow- pretty and powerful. 

White and cold. 

It looked so heavy. I felt so small

I froze these moments to keep the memory warm

short time after

our time ended

I never saw him again

spring came

after all these years

everytime I light a cigarette 

I think of him covered in snow and rock and roll